Darkling, I listen... [entries|friends|calendar] intrepid_dark © gawariel_design still figuring things out at 25.... sometimes quirky, sometimes remote, sometimes vastly intelligent. i'll get it right eventually. Noteable Reading: My Unfocused Life This Fish Needs A Bicycle Goblin Box My friends and such: Milkbrain There's Something About Cheeks The Cheese Stands Alone From the Forest Floor Baker Baby Links worth looking at: Suicide Girls A Site for Recovery Beautiful Photography by Pia Music: Tool More Maynard!!!! MindSet Fiona Apple Moth Meets Machine the boys from Somerville VAST My Obsessions: digital creativity virtual playground for the vain It makes sense that it should happen this way That the sky should break, and the earth should shake As if to say: Sure it all matters but in such an unimportant way As if to say: Fly away, sweet bird of prey Fly fly away Nothing can stand in your way Sweet bird, if you knew the words I know you'd say: fly, fly away It makes sense that it should hurt in this way That my heart should break, and my hands should shake As if to say: Sure it don't matter except in the most important way As if to say: Fly away, sweet bird of prey Fly fly away I won't stand in your way Sweet bird, if you knew the words I know that you'd say: fly, fly away It makes sense that it should feel just this way That you slowly fade and yet still remain As if to say: Everything matters in such an invisible way As if to say: It's O.K. Fly...away Style: S1 Coding: gawariel_design Graphics: Getty Images Photo's: Jose Luis Pelaez, Inc Brushes: Annika von Holdt and my own Fonts: Amaze, Georgia, Verdana [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

23 [17/05/2006 @ 20:08] so. i recently read, after doing some mild research on my favorite band's new release, the significance of the number "23". apparantly, it has a significant occult meaning, and is associated with discord - i know this is bizarre, but having my birthday on the 23rd of June, i've always felt a connection to the number. call it childish, but when its 6:23 on the clock, i giggle, and if i get 23 cents back in change at the store, i think its good luck. perhaps it just boils down to the fact that i'm a child of discord... hmmm...

so hard to say... [08/05/2006 @ 10:16] [ mood | calm ] ok, back to this weekend's adventure to Buttonwood Park... It really was a wonderful day. The weather couldn't have been more perfect, and it was a much needed respite from the confines of the apartment. Though it was a lengthy hike (2.47 Miles according to Mapquest) Katelyn was a trooper, and we both enjoyed the walk. The park, which also holds the City's Zoo, is across the street from the local Synagogue. I think this may be why there are also two Jewish Memorials erected on the eastern edge of the park. Both are beautiful stone structures with Hebrew engravings and gorgeous sculpting. The more visually stunning of the two is a Holocaust memorial, depicting the names of Concentration Camps between a broken tablet. The focus is a bronze hand, reaching to the air from atop the tablet, serial numbers engraved at the wrist. Its an emotional image, and Katelyn was intrigued by the memorial, asking me what it was for. How do you explain the Holocaust to a 7 year old? Her innocence is so fragile. I know this because I see so much of myself in her - curious and playful, and sometimes wise beyond her years. I grappled with how best to be honest, and tread the line between harsh reality and a simple history lesson. In today's day and age, war and aggression are not lost on young minds. A few weeks back, Katelyn noted a flag flying at half mast, and began to tell me about the War, and our President, and how things would be different if she were in charge. Simply put, she would stop the wars, so the soldiers wouldn't have to die. How beautiful the simplicity of an innocent mind... So I chose to be honest. "Well," I began "A long time ago, there was a war. And in this war, alot of people died. A man thought that it was right to kill people just because they were different. So he killed many many Jewish people, and this statue is here to remind us what a bad thing that is, and how sad it was for so many people to die." Curious, she pointed to the list of words at the center of the memorial. "Are those all the people who died?" she said. Gravely, I replied, that no, those were the names of the places where people died, and there were so many names, that it wouldn't fit on the statue, and it would take a very long time to read them all. Nonplussed, she continued her inspection of the memorial, as I tried to wrap up the history lesson. "Well, we won the war, and the man's name was Adolf Hitler. He was mean and crazy..." I didn't get much farther in my explanation. Between fits of giggles, Katelyn repeated "Adolf Hitler?!? that's a funny name..." Giggling, she continued on to enjoy the beautiful May day, her wonder and innocence intact. Hopefully some day she can look back at that and understand a little more about the world, but i'm grateful that it won't be anytime soon. Some things are too terrible to understand when you're only 7.

in the merry month of... [06/05/2006 @ 20:25] [ mood | content ] the turning point has finally come... well, at least weather wise. its finally reached the conmfortable warmth of the lower 70's that i've been yearning for for weeks. so, this morning, Katelyn and I trekked out halfway across town (on foot, no less) for a little adventure. sometimes, the simplest things are the most increadible. just idly walking through the park turned into almost 100 photos and countless moments of utter contentment.

Mano y Molar [03/05/2006 @ 15:23] [ mood | sore ] i know i'm drooling. i'm powerless to stop it. A man wipes the saliva from my chin, but not before a cold trickle traces under my shirt and down my chest. "You see" another man says, "as I cut the flap this way..." and continues as I gurgle, a mixture of amused and in some serious pain. I ventured today into Boston to seek some help for my "unrecoverable" tooth - #16, my top left wisdom tooth - the afore-mentioned traitor to my mouth and mutinous decaying bastard that was keeping me awake at all hours of the night. And help I found, at the Boston University School of Dental Medicine. I was a tad trepidatious of lending my jaw and gums to the pursuit of scientific knowledge, but the pain has becime too much, and it was time for a showdown. Mano y Molar. It was a long process. I've had teeth removed before, and this seemed to take FOREVER. not only that, but my anesthesioligist was a sweet Indian gal, hardly older than me, with hesitant hands and nervous gestures. In short, I think she was new to the Clinic - and may have shorted me some Novacaine. There were some downright moments of terror, where muscles clenched and tears welling, I focused on the amiable tone of the Dentist who saved me at the last moment and agreed to do the procedure, and tried to block out the pain. Still, three hours later and some serious Meds working their way through my system, I still feel sharp pain in my jaw and tension through my head. It wasn't an easy extraction... in the end, i'm increadibly relevied that the sucker is out... and glad to have had the clinic experience. it was so much more - human, somehow more real. when finally freed, the doctor noted and the clinicians gathered close to see: "here is the curved portion of the root, which made simpler extraction methods impossible..." squinting in the bright light, still dizzy from the pain, i saw the blood slicked tooth in all its disgusting glory. and indeed, it did curve, almost a hook right at the end... cheeky devil....

how cute [25/04/2006 @ 11:27] [ mood | amused ] ♥Darkling and ♥Sexy Bum Likely to conceive no Elven girls. Love to watch television together nearly everywhere. Share a deep puddle of secrets. Orchestrated by ianiceboy

most precious sunlight [25/04/2006 @ 08:26] [ mood | hopeful ] sweetness is a relative and personal thing. to me there is nothing sweeter than the earthen scent of a rain-soaked spring morning, coupled with a fresh dose of much needed sunshine. already warming, the permeating energy of change brings to mind Avalon, and a richness in lore and legend; like Meriln's ancient wisdom or the secrets of the Nymphs. i could wander through a patch of sunlight and arrive in the land of Fey, content and surrounded in beauty and mischief. these twilight days of spring are beautiful, and one of my most precious things...

anti-climactic [22/04/2006 @ 20:10] [ mood | listless ] today is a sad and tiny day. the weight of an endless week weighs heavy on my shoulders, and i just can't seem to make it right. small, curved toward the center, a womb in effigy, bleeds tears and shudders. in cooler air, nobler thoughts are left in sunshine, dry and fickle - knees bent and aching ashen here, lacking the propensity for weeping.

Unfed [21/04/2006 @ 14:31] [ mood | cynical ] i arrived late. i'm usually late, but she doesn't know that. her home is very near to what i imagined: cozy, a bit cluttered, and riddled with memories. my grandmother's pillow smiles from its place on the sun porch, a neat little vision to the past in fading blue. she's waiting for me in the driveway, i turn in - abrupt, so close to the road. a woman that she doesn't know steps out into the dust, the late afternoon sunlight - and towers above her, her height like her presence diminished by age. i am too lithe for this awkward embrace, to willowy, and i bend to her welcome hug. adrift, i follow into the house, smiling faces welcoming with restrained tears - suppressed emotions in furtive exchanges as i try to find my place in my mother's home. a familiar afghan glares mockingly at me from accross the living room. i can't help but stare, reduced to timid child-like awe at everything i see. but my woman-self can't reconcile this, it is too large and menacing in this tiny home. slightly self-concious, i realize my arms are crossed, sheilding my tenderness, covering my breasts like i'm an awkward teen again. i will myself to uncross. be present. there are pies and dinner and photo albums and haunting memories lingering behind every nicety. but i'm ok. for a bit, at least, i can be that little girl lost. i'm comfortable in that skin, having worn it for so long, but here it soon grows old, because now i am so much more, having lived and hurt and bled for so long. worn and tired the night comes, and offhand comments are tiny wounds, blistering in all that i can see, and all that i know she can't. the next day, i'm bruised from what i know. but endeavor again. more memories - ripe for picking, and lush with deception from years of fermenting, are offered before me. i'm starving for what they have to offer - some bit of clarity, direction, and an explanation of why? and how?. but i am too old. i've learned to think for myself now, and i have my own memories, my own account of tradgedy. i leave, angry and bitter. i am still unfed, but in my heart i knew that i will always be the one nursing her wounds.

Easter [17/04/2006 @ 09:14] [ mood | groggy ] a holiday, like any other that i only half-heartedly celebrate - at least in the religous sense. sun shining, i spent the afternoon cleaning the house, puttering around in a wave of self-contentedness, cooking a ham (such a bad jew i am) and enjoying the breeze. in my own littel world, i smiled to myself - my home, my family and the phone rings, a holiday well wisher. "hello" "Hi, Janelle?" says a jovial voice. Disorientated, I can't place it - "Who is this?" I say tentatively - not wanting to sound stupid when the voice states it was someone i should've recognized. "Your Mother, Janellle..." ***************** and so it begins. I open the door slowly, hesitantly, and she barges in, a playful puppy looking for attention. sure, its nice that she called to wish me a Happy Easter, but it's an excuse, and it irritates me in a way. but i knew this from the beginniing - that with the good and bad would also come the "Mom" entity. Like I had never lost it. But I couldn't recognize her voice to save my life.

creative [13/04/2006 @ 08:35] [ mood | awake ] so after all the exhaustive emotions of this week, i took a bit of time yesterday to figure out how to code a really good LJ design. stop by and tell me what you think... i'm sure now that i've really got this whole thing down, you can expect more in the future...

the tease of 57 [06/04/2006 @ 16:02] [ mood | bitchy ] if patience is a virtue, i'm going to hell. but we knew that. however, i noted today, while going to pick up Katelyn, how quickly the new spring weather grows old, and this mid-fifty degree weather ain't cutting it. too fickle, unhappy with the interim of warming temperatures and intermittant showers, i hunger for true warmth and sweet air. only two more weeks or so, and i'll have my wish. and more, apparantly.

nourishment [04/04/2006 @ 09:28] [ mood | pensive ] she's luring me in with promises of apple pie. she's being sweet and witty - at least she thinks she is being very mature. and i'm dying inside, and burning regret. a fickle thing maternity and apple pie and warm embraces ghostlike and clammy to my imagination, i can see her huimble house and patchwork quilts, so dangerous these spiderweb of naivety. i'm too old for your food, yet starving for hunger. ( more babble )

and bigger.... [31/03/2006 @ 21:10] [ mood | blah ] more kittie pics.... so cute, i could vomit. katelyn's got a little devil on her shoulder.

Elasticity [21/03/2006 @ 22:11] [ mood | morose ] is what keeps me whole. an 8-bit nintendo game tugs and tears at the back of my mind with sudden memories and associations. i blink in recognition, sad and cold with awareness that as per usual, my foray into my childhood has unexpected results. there is always a bittersweet anger that flexes in my gut ... sometimes for what's passed, what happened, but more often simply anger at my divided self. anger that there is always this duality in everything i do - not duplicity, i pray never that - but two sides to a coin, subject to perception and mood and however else i choose to handle a given memory. elasticity - i bend. i'm a little dirty, not gleaming rubber fresh from the package, but slightly grubby, debris ridden, hidden in the recess of the drawer, until desperation sees my worth. the one that you had forgotten you had, hidden among change and tacks. i always know when there will be a greater need for my fluidity - these little memories that either glimmer or cut form around me in more frequency. its interdependent, the need to examine and relive my happy innocence, and sadness in realizing that i was never so innocent to begin with. i know i ramble. i know i don't make much sense. just trying to get it out. you see the silence is what keeps me supple, and in that i am secure in my reverie. but now is the end of silence. today, i can't be a child kicking and screaming in the corner. today, i can't pretend that i am shiny new and pink, ready to be stretched. i already know my limits, my tenacity. today, i test it again though. "Yes, Hello... I'd like to speak to Attorney Smith. In regards to my mother." i move forward, and after 14 years, i will see my mother. i hope i can stretch that far.

interesting... [19/03/2006 @ 22:01] [ mood | cranky ] D Dreamy A Arty R Radiant K Kinky L Lively I Industrious N Nerdy G Gloomy Name / Username: Name Acronym Generator From Go-Quiz.com

Meet Mosh [19/03/2006 @ 10:05] [ mood | calm ] So named for his playful nature... He runs (or waddles, actually) around the "kitten box" provoking his siblings and causing general mayhem... also, we love the white stripe on his nose, seems like a kittie mohawk almost. mike's in love =) More Kittie Pics Here! in other news... well, there isn't much other news. i haven't felt compelled to write in a little while, been inundated with figuring out how to work my beautiful new Dreamweaver software, and being queen of Excel for the flooring company. my formulas kick ASS. looking forward to spending the day in my PJ's, cleaning a little (but not too much) making home-made beef stew, and cuddling on the couch with katelyn and watching "Spirited Away" =)

they keep growing, and growing... [11/03/2006 @ 10:40] [ mood | chipper ]

DANGER: abrupt scowling [08/03/2006 @ 19:56] [ mood | grumpy ] "she plunges forward, ready to strike the shadow before her. at long last, after the endless years of waiting, the quarry is at hand.." BRRRIIIINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. GAH! the phone interrupts my stolen moments of escape, just as i approach the climax of the hefty 600 page volume that i'm undertaking. not there is much literary value in the numerous volumes of Fantasy i've been reading of late, but its instant gratification: Plot, Action, Suspense, Gore and Magic. my gratification is not feeling so instantanious at the moment. you see, for the past few days, i've been on edge, feeling selfish and put-upon and generally grumpy. it feels like whenever i attempt to start something, be it a movie, a chore, a blog post, or any number of incidental things, something else comes up. for example: i finally sat down to watch Garden State for the first time yesterday, after indulging a tad in MySpace and then cleaning the house. curled up on the couch and comfy, i was all set and ready to go. but mike had just gotten home, and wanted my attention too - and then there was a major crisis with paperwork for the company - well quasi-major, but enough for me to ruefully press STOP on my onDemand screen, and sigh somewhat bitterly before attending the next task at hand. again, i was about to go back to the TV - a rarity for me (if its not Jack Bauer night) - and again... other things to do. ah... the word has come to me. its responsibility. and i'm being grumpy. even now, as i type. damn the dishes to hell. but i know that once i post, and vaugely consider retreating back to the book and blanket on my bed, i'll reconsider, do the dishes, and perhaps a load of laundry for good measure. and take some advil for this persistent headache. but i maintain my poutiness. and apologize in advance.

innocence [04/03/2006 @ 21:08] [ mood | restless ] curled in, soft - turns to safety, warmth, and security. young and untarnished, eyes not yet seeing - so at peace.

hope [04/03/2006 @ 12:23] [ mood | excited ] i am eager and excited for the next step in my web design company. i am only now starting to regard it as an actual entity, not just a dream that i can't hold on to. and i am overwhelmingly grateful to Kathy and Amish for investing in me, and my potential. I didn't really consider that most people who design web pages don't use Notepad as a primary tool :-) So now Dreamweaver 8 is on its way to my house, and i'm floored by this potential. I'm actively considering what needs to be done to develop and grow this opportunity - investing in a company computer, aside from this home one - networking, establishing credentials... and so much more... the most wonderful thing is more than the opportunity though. its that Kathy beleives in me. the personal recognition of something i am very good at. (and get to keep my clothes on for! haha...) thank you thank you, sweetie... i am so much in your debt. and appreciative, for your faith, inspiration, and most importantly, unyielding friendship.

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